Scariest Moments of My Life

Ever since I visited my mother in law a couple of weeks back, (don't like to call her EX), in of the city of downtown St.Paul, it has brought back so many emotions for me. I find that when I share troubling emotions, I am able file them back into a place in my mind where there is peace. It's the part of town where I've had some of the best times of my life and also worst. Some of the best times of St.Paul for me are concerts and parties I've been to there, the birth of my daughter, and some of the worst are when I underwent several days of testing on my body to determine, what was "wrong" with me. That was way back in 1984. My last year in college. The scariest moment for me though, was when I was having severe morning headaches and every Dr. I saw could not help me. This would have been back in 1998 or 99. That was until I met a pulmonologist named Dr. Freiberg at the St.Paul Heart and Lung group. He had me perform a lung function test. It's a simple test that requires you to take deep breaths and blow as hard as you can into a device that measures the strength of the air being pushed out. This was when they determined that my breathing muscles, as a result of the muscular dystrophy, were compromising my breathing at night and I was actually stopping breathing when in a deep sleep. This was scarey in itself, but when he actually put my condition into words and my prognosis, it hit me really hard. I was almost in a shock type state of mind. He put it this way, "you have chronic respiratory failure." The word chronic was the word that got me. I'll never forget just wanting to get to the car so I could break down. We(me and my ex-hub.) got into the car and were talking about this determination when he got a cell phone call and took the call and proceeded to carry on a chatty, happy conversation about an upcoming hunting trip of some sort. Wow, I thought thanks for prioritizing. I guess after that point in our relationship, I knew where I ranked and started expecting to be put second or third in his life. I had so much to deal with, that I just took it.
Dr.Freiberg recommended what my treatment would be; a device called the bi-pap machine. It's a machine that is almost common today, but back then really unknown territory for me. I remember the medical rep. man coming to my home and fitting me for the device. My mom was there with me and my little son, Mack. I think he was about 4 years old. While he was explaining to us how the machine worked, I had this panicked feeling of my God, what if it doesn't work for me? This is my last chance, I have to make it work. So, as the days went by, I was able to get much relief from this machine. It became a necessary extension of my body at night time. It was awkward at times, but so worth the benefits. My headaches stopped immediately and I got a lot of energy back. It was just one of the bumps in the road that I was able to jump right over.
Isn't it something, all of these memories and feelings brought up by a simple visit to the hospital. Makes me realize just how many memories I've got locked up in my brain files and in my heart too.
Well, another winter day is upon us, I hate to say it because everyone says it a hundred times a day; "STAY WARM!"  Thanks for checking in today, I appreciate the listening and being heard and understood so much.